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There’s a salon about three blocks from my apartment in New York’s Greenwich Village, and among the usual list of pedicures and facials, there’s a service on their brochure that caught my eye: “The Bitch Massage.” Also known as a treatment that targets a variety of women’s PMS-induced symptoms.
Putting aside the incredibly sexist name for a sec, I learned “specific massage strokes” are used on “pressure points,” and a masseuse works some magic on your blood circulation, nervous system, and stress levels. It’s $140 for 60 minutes, and it’s supposed to make you feel more relaxed while easing cramps, lower back pain, and fluid retention. You know, all the stuff that makes me a bitch for a few days a month. In all seriousness, I do suffer from pretty heavy PMS, so I scheduled in an appointment. Worst-case, it’s an expensive publicity stunt, but at least I can lie down in a dark room for an hour on a Thursday afternoon. The appointment itself started with herbal tea and a bathrobe while my masseuse explained that The Bitch will help my PMS-induced “emotional distress” as well as the physical symptoms listed on the website. “Who doesn’t feel better after a massage"” she asked, making me realize that this has approximately a 90 percent chance of being a gimmick.
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The first few minutes involved some...