Have you seen these ridiculous sheet masks for lips that seem to be all the rage" Patches of gel, or sheets of serum-infused fabric that are pressed over the lip area and left on for an “intensive treatment”. I mean, each to their own and everything, but who wants to sit there with a floppy sheet of slimy jelly slapped over their mouth" It’s just absurd. Not only is it completely unnatural to have to keep your mouth clamped shut for minutes on end (for me, it’s almost an impossibility), the bloody things don’t even work. I’ve tried quite a few of them now, and even the best of the bunch did absolutely nothing in terms of lip appearance. It merely gave an intense tingling sensation as I lay there like a prize idiot, my mouth area covered with a giant lip-shaped (nice touch) piece of plasma. I do like the sheets and patches for under the eyes; the slimy, cooling sensation is actually nice – but on the mouth" Just weird.
So stick-on lip masks are in my bad books, along with those coffee body scrubs that come in paper packets. Have you tried those" Don’t. Your shower cubicle will look as though there’s been some sort of dirty protest. And you’ll find coffee granules in your “secret areas” for days afterwards. Who wants coffee granules in their creases" Not I.

But less of the moaning: onwards to the beautiful (and infinitely more usable) lip treats I’ve come acros...